Breaking the Silence: The Hidden Link Between ADHD and Anxiety in Women

When you think of ADHD, what comes to mind? Probably a restless young boy who can’t sit still, right? But ADHD in women? It’s more subtle, quieter, and often slips under the radar. That’s what happened to me and countless other women. It wasn’t until the end of my freshman year of college that I finally got diagnosed, and by then, the damage had been done.

The unspoken struggle of women with ADHD has been weighing on my heart for a while now. As a licensed therapist and a woman who didn’t know she had ADHD until much later in life, I’ve seen a pattern—a heartbreaking one. The connection between late-diagnosed ADHD and anxiety-driven behaviors like perfectionism, procrastination, and people-pleasing is undeniable. It’s a vicious cycle that leaves us feeling inadequate, misunderstood, and alone.

The Struggle of Growing Up Different

For as long as I can remember, I felt different—like I didn’t quite fit in. I was the disorganized one, the one who couldn’t keep up. And people noticed. My brain worked differently, and it seemed like everyone else could tell. I was constantly striving for approval, whether from my teachers, parents, or friends. Their praise was my ultimate prize, but it came at a hefty price. I was labeled as overly emotional, dramatic, and even lazy. I started to wonder, “Am I just not smart enough?”

The expectations, both theirs and my own, were crushing. I couldn’t measure up academically, and each morning, I was exhausted before I even got out of bed. I dreaded the day, the obligations, the expectations. Eventually, I shut down. It was easier to stop trying than to keep failing. My motto became, “It’s better not to have expectations in life; being surprised is better than being disappointed… or a disappointment.”

I had a tough time in school and was often told I wasn't living up to my "potential" or was just being lazy. I pushed through. In college, I still found it hard to keep up. Not knowing about my condition felt like walking in the dark, constantly stumbling over unseen obstacles. I blamed myself, my self-esteem plummeted, and shame became my constant companion. But getting a diagnosis was like turning on a light—I finally understood the reasons for my struggles, and everything started to make sense.

The Mask We Wear

As women, we’re taught from an early age to be perfect, to make everyone else happy, to be the caregivers. But this narrative is so restrictive, especially for those of us with undiagnosed ADHD. In my therapy practice, I see it all the time—young girls and women weighed down by anxiety, trapped in overthinking, and exhausted from the pursuit of perfection. They’re stuck in a cycle of self-doubt and low self-esteem because they can’t meet their own expectations, let alone those of others.

But here’s the problem: society expects us to be quiet, compliant, and less disruptive. When our symptoms don’t match these expectations, they go unnoticed, or worse, they’re dismissed as just "girl stuff."

Imagine putting on a mask every day, showing the world only what it wants to see, pretending to be someone you’re not. This is the reality of masking—a cloak of invisibility stitched together from societal expectations. It’s a performance, a role we play to fit in, and some days, it feels like the hardest job in the world.

Unmasking the Reality

ADHD can manifest differently in women. It’s not just about being hyperactive or inattentive. ADHD might show up as chronic disorganization, constantly losing things, or struggling to start or finish tasks. It might look like being overwhelmed by simple decisions, or having a mind that’s always racing, jumping from one thought to another. These subtle signs often lead to years of misdiagnosis or no diagnosis at all, leaving women feeling inadequate and misunderstood.

There’s scientific evidence to back up what I’ve seen in my practice. Women with ADHD are more susceptible to anxiety because we internalize our symptoms, becoming perfectionists and people-pleasers. A study in the Journal of Attention Disorders resonates with me: women with ADHD are more anxious than men, and our diagnosis often comes late. We spend years battling anxiety, our behaviors misunderstood and attributed to other factors.

Following my diagnosis, I was put on medication and started to learn how my brain uniquely worked. I began to excel in school, especially in areas I was genuinely interested in. Then came my master’s program, where I found my focus and graduated with almost a perfect 4.0 GPA.

A Step in the Right Direction...

ADHD is often deemed overdiagnosed, yet the increasing number of diagnoses, particularly among women, signifies progress. Could it be that women have been silently struggling, their battles hidden beneath societal expectations and misconceptions? The recognition and diagnosis of ADHD in women feels like a step toward understanding and validating our experiences.

A Beacon of Hope

Understanding that you’re not a misfit in the puzzle of life is liberating. Realizing that you’re not a failed student, daughter, partner, or businesswoman, but simply someone whose mind dances to a different beat—it’s a revelation. It’s a revelation that has transformed my life and the lives of countless others.

But you see, having ADHD isn’t all about restlessness and distraction. There’s an upside too—a wild spontaneity that sparks curiosity, an innate creativity that colors outside the lines, a knack for solving problems in ways no one else thought of, and a mind that dares to stray beyond the confines of the ordinary box.

To all those lost in the whirlpool of anxiety, chasing after unattainable perfection, I want to whisper a word of hope: You’re not alone. Your struggles are real, and you’re not broken. Together, we can unearth the obstacles that have you feeling trapped and strive toward a future where you can celebrate your unique talents and skills.

In Conclusion

The journey to self-awareness and acceptance never truly ends. Through shared experiences and mutual support, we can chip away at the stigma surrounding ADHD and anxiety-induced behaviors. Let’s keep moving forward, encouraging and empowering women to embrace their authentic selves, unshackled by societal norms.